life

Goodbye Mother~

This work is a fiction.


 

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Today is a good day to take a walk: good weather, sunny day. After locking the front door, I decide to head to the city which is only 15 min from here. Since I live outside of the town, I have to take a rough path with cornfields on each side. I can feel the breeze on my neck — the delicate breeze of a summer day. I like to look at the cornfields: their colour, sparkling under the sunlight, is similar to the colour of Gold — the coveted mineral of many adventurers of the past.

However, today is different. I see something. Small. White. Almost hidden under the corns. I want to see what that mysterious object is — my curiosity will be my fall someday. I leave the path for a moment and jump in the cornfield. It’s an envelope.

What is an envelope doing here? Did the postman drop it by accident? The envelope is a bit dirty, but the name of the receiver and the address are still visible. When I take it, I notice the envelope is half-opened — who knows how long that letter has been standing there?

Once again, my curiosity takes over my body and I decide to open the envelope. I mean.. If it was to be something useless, such as some kind of advertisement, there would be no need for me to give it to the receiver, right? I’m not being lazy, I simply don’t like to use my energy for nothing. It’s a letter. Nice handwriting. The paper seems to be quite expensive.

Dear mother, 

I don’t know if you still remember me, but I hope you still do. 

How long has it been since I last talked to you? 15? 20 years? I can’t remember and honestly, my current state of mind won’t allow me to. Do you remember when I was a little girl, when you used to cook so much food for me, when you were laughing every time I complained about it? Do you remember all the nights we spent on the roof , watching the stars covering the sky? Do you remember all the gifts I made at school for you? How I would always say my mother was the best in the world? How I always said I would be like you someday? 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry… No matter how many times I say I am, I will certainly never deserve your forgiveness. I should never have left with that guy that I thought was my soulmate back when I was a teenager who didn’t even graduate from high school. You told me that I would regret it later and I didn’t listen to you. You were right. Ever since I abandoned you, my life has been nothing but mistake after mistake. My boyfriend was not able to get a proper job, nor could I. He started drinking in bars, and soon enough became an alcoholic. He eventually became violent and I decided to leave. I just couldn’t take it anymore. But I had no house to return to. I was so ashamed of what I’ve done to you that I couldn’t face you anymore. 

No money. No car. No house. Hungry. Thirsty. I went from bar to bar, doing anything for money. Anything.

I lost my heart and I lost my soul. I’m glad you are not able to see me at the moment. I want you to remember the sweet little girl that you called daughter, and not the monster I became. I hate what I have become. I have never been able to become like you, and I will never be. I am sorry for being a disappointment. 

But today, I will certainly do the only thing that I can be proud of ever since I left you: I will put an end to that misery. You were the only person in which I was proud, and when I learned that you were still living in the same apartment, I decided to write this letter as a goodbye.

I hope you are living a wonderful life, and I’m sorry for being the first one to join daddy on the other side. 

Your lovely daughter,

Lisa

The letter breaks my heart. I do not know who that Lisa is, but I feel sorry for the way she had to experience Life. I wonder for how long she had to handle an aching heart, living a miserable and bitter life. At least, she is not suffering anymore. The mother needs to know. I put back the letter in the envelope, then put it in my bag, before heading to the town.

After following the address written on the envelope, I arrive in front of a big building – red bricks covered by tags made by young people at night, dirty windows, wet clothes hanging on the balconies, kids playing in front of the stairs leading to the entrance door. I enter the building and look for the name of Lisa’s mother: she lives on the fifth floor, apartment 12F.

When I arrive in front of the door, I’m suddenly taken by a feeling of uneasiness. How am I supposed to tell her that her daughter died? And what if she doesn’t even remember her? What if she doesn’t want to hear about her daughter? No, I can’t step back now, it’s too late. I came that far to tell her what happened to her daughter and I will do so, no matter what.

I knock on the door and wait for an answer. One minute. Five minutes. Ten minutes. No answer. I ring the bell. One minute. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Still no answer. I try to open the door and notice it’s unlocked.

A fool odor comes out of the apartment — the kind of smell you imagine you can get if you never clean your room. I fight my desire to throw up, and make my way to the living room. There, an old woman is laying on the couch. She doesn’t look healthy, and her clothes are so old she can easily be considered as a homeless. It seems she noticed my presence because she is getting up slowly. After turning off the television, she looks at me with lifeless eyes.

‘What do you want?’

‘I’m sorry, the door was opened and-‘

‘And what? You came to steal my money? To rob my house? To kill me?’ she replies, quite aggressively.

I was taken aback by her words. It seems like her life has been as harsh as her daughter’s was. I want to avoid making eye contact with her, so I look around. And on the wall are several pictures of a little girl, smiling like an angel.

‘Is it your daughter?’ I ask, wondering if that little girl is Lisa.

‘Yes, she is. I miss Lisa so much..She has been gone for so long, I wonder how she is doing now,’ she answers, almost sobbing.

‘I’m sorry but-‘

I can’t tell her what happened to her daughter, not after what she said. What kind of cruel person would tell a mother that her daughter not only lived a miserable life, but also ended up committing suicide? Maybe some people can, but  I can’t.

‘but what?’ she asks, starting to be impatient.

‘but in fact, I came here to talk to you about your daughter,’ I continue, after a moment of hesitation.

‘Did something happen to her? Is she okay?!’

‘Your daughter is living a wonderful life. She is a friend of mine and I happened to come across her while I was eating in a restaurant. She told me about you and how much she is proud of having a mother like you. She asked me to tell you, in case I was to meet you one day, that she was doing fine and that you didn’t need to worry about her anymore.’

The smile I can see on her face as I say those lies is enough to let me know that I did the good choice.

After drinking a cup of tea and listening to her stories about Lisa, I say my goodbyes to the old lady and leave the building.

Lisa, I’m sorry about what happened to you and I’m sure you didn’t want things to end up like that. I cannot do anything for you, but making your Mother proud of you is my gift for you.

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Forgetting the dead…

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Something has been in my mind for quite some time now, and its name is “Death”. Death can be quite terrifying or beautiful depending on the person who thinks about it. Many people die every single day around the world, whether it is because of wars, murders or accidents, and yet how many of them do you remember? Today’s article will be about something that awaits every dead people: Being forgotten.

We are humans, we are all mortals. Since we are all mortals, we are all living our lives while waiting for our death to come. Death has been the subject of many questions, questions that are related to what happens after we die and not being able to know that can scare us or let us imagine anything we want. But if that is the natural reaction we get when we talk about Death, what bothers me more concerns the link between the dead person and our world.

We accumulate memories over the years, some good and some bad, and those memories are what construct our entire life. Most of our memories are shared with people we meet during our life on Earth, whether they be enemies, friends, lovers, children, parents or family in general. But what happens to those memories once we die? In my opinion, those memories vanish once we die, and so those memories become useless to us. But do those memories become only useless? The answer is no. What people are the most afraid of when they think about Death is whether they are going to be forgotten or not.

If we take that factor into account, then the memories we create over the years may not be completely useless. The people we shared memories with will indeed remember the deceased because of the memories we created together. Thanks to that, the person who dies will, in a certain, stay in this world in “the heart” of those who cherished them.  But now, there is something that must be known: Nothing can be remembered eternally. If you are a common person, that is to say if you never did anything that was truly remarkable or horrible (something that was out of the ordinary, such as creating a war that changed the face of the world for example), you may not be forgotten right after your death, but once all those who remembered you personally, you will simply start to fade away, your existence will simply disappear.

You certainly think I’m wrong, I would not be surprised if that was to be the case. In our period, if we remember so many people from the past, that is only because we are blocked on the past. We are unable to move on towards an uncertain future, and so we get attached to every single thing that come from the past. But one day, there is going to be a generation who will reject the past, and move towards that future that we are afraid to embrace. And when that is going to happen, the past will simply become a faint memory.

The sad truth is that not wanting to be forgotten is simply trying to escape from the harsh truth. No matter how much you want to be remembered in this world, no matter how much effort you put into making memories to be remembered, the truth is all living beings are destined to be forgotten at some point. No one is eternal, and even super famous actors are going to be forgotten one day.

Life is nothing but a memory of the past, a story of the present and a journey towards the future, represented in the form of a book with each page representing the life of a different living being.

Escaping reality…

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Reality… We all have our own different point of view concerning reality, but I think we can all agree about one thing: Reality is harsh! Sometimes, some people may not bear reality or they can be bored with it. And so as a result of this, they may want to escape reality. I will answer 4 questions concerning this thought of escaping reality throughout this article.

Who would try to escape reality?  The answer to this question is quite simple: Anyone. Anyone would try to escape reality and everyone has their own reasons: it can be someone who thinks that the world is harsh and horrible and so wants to imagine a better world, it can be someone who lost everything that was dear to them, it can be someone who has no luck in life, it can be someone who does not like their life, it can be someone with issues at school, and way more.

Why do they try to escape reality?  As I said before, everyone has their own reason to escape reality. But if I had to sum up the whole idea, I would say that people want to escape reality because they are not happy with it. Because we are all different, we all have different desires concerning the form reality should take. Because our vision of reality cannot be fulfilled, we decide to create the kind of “reality” we desire through our imaginary world.

When do they try to escape reality? People usually try to escape reality when they possess something that would allow them to do so, when they find a way to escape reality, even if it is only for a short period of time. They can also try to escape reality when their problems become unbearable, when they are bored, or even when they do not want to listen to someone. There are so many moments where people want to escape reality that I can’t write every single moment.

How do they try to escape reality? There are many ways to escape reality, just like the number of moments where they would try to escape reality. Some of the most common to get disconnected from reality and the real world would be to listen to music, to watch a lot of series, to watch anime, to read books or even simply to go on the Internet, to the point of not even caring anymore about reality. But those are what I would call the “soft ways”. Yes, there are “hard ways” that are used by some people to escape reality, and those ways are the sad ways of trying to escape reality. Two of the “hard ways”  I am talking about are alcohol and suicide. However, I will not talk about those two in details through this article because I am going to write specific articles about them later. But what I can say is that when life becomes too unbearable and when problems are overwhelming us, we usually tend to disregard the soft ways and immediately jump on the hard ways (alcohol is a way to forget our problems, that is to say to forget a reality that only brings problems, while suicide is a way used by some people to escape a harsh reality for good).

 

Whatever your way of escaping reality, you should never use one of the hard way to escape reality, because those ways are similar to the notion of “running away” from your problems. If you try to escape reality because of a problem, you should face it with courage! That is the true way to change reality.  Now if you’re not escaping reality because of a problem, then you should just be careful not to completely disregard reality.

 

 

After the storm, there’s always a rainbow~

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I decided to write this article after talking with a friend about a sensitive subject, which is bullying. Of course, neither I nor my friend is a victim of bullying, but we watched a video (quite a sad one) about bullying and decided to talk about it. But this article is not focused on bullying, but on a more general subject (where bullying can be considered a sub-subject): Hardship and suffering.

We all experience hardship and suffering during our lives, but I want to talk about people who suffer more than the “normal limit”. Who are those people? Well they can be people who are victims of bullying, they can be people who lost someone who was dear to them, they can be children who experienced a traumatic event in the past such as the divorce of their parents for example, they can be people who lose everything and end up in the streets, they can be depressed people or even suicidal people.

Even though I mentioned a lot of categories of people who suffer more than the “normal limit”, most of them can be considered as subcategories (or even reasons) for two main categories: Depressed people and suicidal people. Be careful, some people will consider depressed people and suicidal people as being the same, but they are different and it would be a great mistake to group them together (especially if you are trying to help them because the actions you might use for a group might not be effective for the other).

Someone can fall into depression for many reasons but they usually have one thought in common: they think that nothing can take them out of depression. (this statement is based on many cases I’ve seen so far, so this statement is made from a subjective point of view, and not an objective one.) Being suicidal is worse than being depressed. There is a strong reason why being suicidal is worse than being depressed: Someone who is depressed still has the slight hope to be able to become happy one day (even though they still think nothing can take them out of it) and so have a wish to live a better life later on. On the other hand, when someone becomes suicidal, that slight hope disappears and the wish to live a better life later on turns into a wish to die and be finally freed from a life that could be compared to a horrible torture.

If I gave you the difference between a person victim of depression and a suicidal person, that is because I want you to know how to help them if you were to meet someone like that someday. (Yes, this article is here to give you a way to help them.)

When you see a depressed person, do not try to help them right away, because they won’t let you do so. You first have to get close to them, and let them open themselves to you. You need to gain their trust, but you also need to know what provoked their depression from their own mouth. When it happens, you will finally be able to help them.

 

When you see a suicidal person, the situation will be completely different. There will be two types of case that will usually make you realize that someone is suicidal: either the person failed to kill themselves, or the person is about to try to kill themselves.

Let’s talk first about the case in which a person failed to kill themselves. They tried to escape from a harsh life and yet they were not able to. They will certainly feel like prisonners. In my opinion, putting them into psychiatric hospital and giving them medicines all the time will not help them. In fact, I would even say that doing so would just “erase” their life, and they would become almost lifeless bodies, or as people would call it “zombies”. No, what we should do instead is to discover what pushed them to try to commit suicide. When you discover the reason, take that person with you and show them that life may be harsh, but it can also be beautiful. Show them that we are not prisonners of sadness and that we can find happiness if we never give up to seek it. Give them the strength they need to bring back that wish of living a better life later on. Choose carefully the words you are going to use and when you are going to use them, because a bad step could destroy your efforts to help them. Words are however usually useless if you were able to show them a beautiful side of life.

Let’s talk about a more difficult case, a case in which you witness someone who is trying to kill themselves. You might sometimes come across them in some places that are used to commit suicide, such as the Golden Gate Bridge. Here, using words can be useful or useless depending on the situation. You can try to change their mind, but it would be extremely difficult because they already decided to kill themselves. Do not talk too much unless you are confident it would change the situation. However, it does not mean that you should not talk to the suicidal person. In fact, in those situations, talking to them is the best way to delay their “final act” and to give you enough time to find a way to save them. But you have to be quick, because they will not wait forever. Remember that you are not an expert in this matter, so choosing the quickest way (but not always the best way) might be good enough to save someone.

Too many people give up on their lives because life has been a curse for them, with death being the only way to escape it. We only live once, so we should help them and turn their life into a gift they would cherish and love.

And if you are depressed or even think about suicide, please remember that there is always a rainbow after the storm.